There's No Such Thing as "Mommy Brain"

I keep hearing this awful, little expression lately - "Mommy brain" - and each time it bothers me a little, but today I heard myself say it and that was it! It's time to debunk an insidious myth (which I will now attempt to do with great feminist relish!).

There is no such thing as "mommy brain." I think what people usually mean by that is that a mother, especially a mother of a newborn, is "really tired." So what's the big deal? The big deal is that by saying "mommy brain" instead of "really tired," the message is that mothers are incapable of thinking clearly. Sadly, I've had many friends buy into that awful lie to different degrees and actually believe that while their children are young they are actually incapable of really focusing and doing intellectual work. I have heard it from women with graduate and post-graduate degrees even! Nonsense. Fathers of newborns are often just as tired as mother of newborns, but we don't hear people saying "Daddy brain" when they go off to work as usual.

As a relatively newly-solo (practicing) attorney-mama of a newborn, I readily admit to being extra tired and occasionally losing my train of thought or letting something slip by me at first. I'm thinking this is just another reason why we Americans should follow the lead of our sister industrial nations and provide ample maternity leave (but don't even get me started on all that...) It just means it might take a few extra proofreads (and I really need to get better at delegating the typo-hunting to my fabulous Client Liaison / paralegal). But I am so thankful to have wonderful, supportive clients and even prospective clients who appreciate and respect what I am doing here and extend me gracious patience.

For example, they let it slide when I do something like accidentally type "Don" instead of "Dan" in a first draft (oops!) because I also manage to make sure that we've properly spelled out exactly who should inherit what, when, and how from their estate and ensure that their children are protected and will only ever be cared for by the people my clients choose. In fact, my clients know that as a mom I "get it." I empathize with their worries because I have shared them. As a lawyer-mama I was able to take my own personal experiences and turn them into valuable techniques for solving the possible legal problems facing any parent of young children.

As for my clients who do not (anymore or, often, yet) have young children, perhaps it helps that for the past two months, since she was 3 days old, they have seen and heard me caring for my newborn baby while I participate in conference calls and meetings with them, and type over her sweet, little, sleeping head.

So to be clear, I don't have "Mommy brain," I have a sharp, analytical, lawyer brain...that just happens to be extra tired right now.

Lawyering and Babywearing Triathalon (Part I)

The first challenge of the Sakura Bloom Triathlon is answering the following three questions:

1. What first interested you in babywearing? I was home on maternity leave with my first newborn baby who would have no part of being put down, ever, anywhere, for anything. Maybe if I was lucky she'd hang out in the swing for a few minutes (lights, noise, and vacuum underneath her). So I was carrying her around everywhere in my arms, holding and nursing her one-armed. She was the smallest of my babies, 6 lbs 11 oz at birth full term, so it was easier, but it also meant she was too little for the Baby Bjorn everyone had told me about. I was also drawn to the ideas of attachment parenting and knew I felt better and she seemed much happier when we were joined at the hip (and elsewhere!) so I looked for something else to carry and hold her in. I never tried a ring sling then as I was afraid it wouldn't be safe enough or it would be too hard to learn to use quickly. Instead, I chose the New Native one-piece fabric sling and tried that. It was OK, but not a great fit for me height-wise (which is the story of my life). When my second daughter was born I bought and tried the infant pillow insert in there, but again, it just was never quite right for me. I was using it like that again with my third daughter when I saw this contest and decided to give these beautiful-looking ring slings a chance. I am *so* happy I did! It's wonderful being able to adjust the sling to just the right height and have it adapt to the baby's changing size while also looking stylish over everything (this does in fact include pajamas).

2. How is your personality reflected in your parenting style? It is no surprise to other lawyers, those who've worked extensively with lawyers, or our poor families, that we lawyers tend toward Type A personalities. I am more like a Type A+. Being a natural perfectionist and wanting things orderly and just so is a serious challenge as a parent, especially of irrational, distractable, little mess-makers! I am also a lifelong nerd so, to quote Super Why, when I have a problem I look in a book! For my own sanity as well as my children's emotional well-being I try to use the methods outlined and explained in The Happiest Toddler on the Block and 1-2-3 Magic. But I'm also very affectionate and love to snuggle with my children. Had I really understood how fleeting the stage is when a baby needs you so completely and wants only to be right on you 24/7, I might have enjoyed it more the first time around. These days, I beg hugs from the big girls and relish the snuggles all day and night with my baby girl. Those snuggles are made easier by having the baby in the sling while I'm snuggling with the big girls reading them bedtime stories.


3. If you could spend a year traveling with your family, where would you go and why? Oh, man do I have the travel bug! I love to travel and it's been awhile. I am already dreaming and starting to plan when and how we'll be able to take the girls abroad. With a solid year, I think we might try to do a world tour! I am a total xenophile. I love to learn about other cultures and peoples, try different foods, hear new music, and learn new languges. I speak Spanish and can read and understand some French, Italian, and Portuguese (at least enough to get by). My husband considered me his personal tour guide when we backpacked around Western Europe after law school and the bar exams before we started working. We prefer to go off the beaten path and try to see things as they really are, rather than how they are tidied up for visitors. I can't wait to expose my children to all those things and talk about it with them to see the world through their eyes. For now, I select books for them set in other cultures, we watch television shows that broaden their awareness (I highly recommend HBO's Happily Ever After Fairy Tales for Every Child), play games (like eeBoo's I Never Forget a Face), and I tell them stories about where I've been and how we'll go there someday too.

I believe that travel, done right, provides invaluable perspective, teaches compassion and empathy, and unifies people in a way that nothing else really can. And, estate-planning attorney-mama that I am, I have spelled this all out for the named legal guardians of my children in case tragedy were to strike my family and I were not able to teach my children these important life lessons myself. Have you provided the legally-named guardians of your children explicit guidance about how you would want your children raised according to your beliefs? Have you created something for your children to express your wishes for them that they will be able to read with you (or, hopefully not, in your absence) when they are old enough? That makes a fantastic, lasting, priceless gift.

What Does Your Lawyer Have to Do With A Corn Maze?

Last weekend, our family enjoyed a trip to the Sauchuk Farm corn maze in Plympton, MA. The baby slept peacefully in the Sakura Bloom sling I wore her in and about which I was asked & on which I was complimented repeatedly. I was perhaps a little too excited to share how excited I am to be participating in this babywearing contest with one mom who was chasing her two boys while wearing her newborn in Baby Bjorn. I am so grateful for being given the opportunity to try out this ring sling, with which I am now completely in love.


Anyway..., our almost 5-yr-old led us out of the corn maze by making good choices, guided by helpful sign posts and a kiddie-friendly quiz for hints they gave her at the start (for example, What does corn drink? a. milk b. water or c. soda). She did great with most of them quickly, but there was one she missed and we did a long loop (my husband and I smiling to each other but letting her figure it out for herself). Fortunately for her and her 3 year-old little sister who was pretty much following her with blind trust, my husband and I were there to help evaluate and guide those choices if and when she really needed us too. And it occurred to me that this is what I try to do for my clients. I ask them probing questions and then from their answers I try to present their choices and help guide them into making the best informed decisions they can. In the end, my clients always choose their own paths, but my role as an attorney and counselor at law is a lot like guiding people through a maze.

So when I had the recent privilege of presenting to the Plymouth Chapter of the Holistic Moms' Network this past Wednesday evening, I had the participants put themselves into the mindset of the maze of estate planning options. I then gave them a guided tour of the maze, showing them where they might hit dead ends, circle back, and how best to navigate the maze. In essence, they chose their own adventure, but in a safe way were able to experience that adventure from start to finish, without suffering the actual consequences of real life. They were great and I cannot imagine a more forgiving group, especially when standing there with my baby all nestled comfortably in the sling I asked "so, should we get started?" and the baby took that as her cue to blow out of her diaper (really!?! right then!?!). But I think this group of loving moms "got it" that preparing a solid estate plan with a professional to ensure you are avoiding some of the mistakes even the most loving parents make is one of the most important, lasting gifts you can possibly give your children and other loved ones.

Please don't wait another day, that will inevitably turn into another week, and then it will be Thanksgiving and the holidays in December and next thing you know, 2010. Life will not slow down for you (trust me on this, I've tried!). Just put the most important, rather than the most immediate, things on the very top of that to do list, then cross them off in order. Until next time, have a great weekend!

My Comment May Shock You

Please see the comment I recently posted in response to a great blog post by Neal Frankle over at WealthPilgrim.com:

"One Question You Must Ask Before Hiring An Estate Attorney."

My comment might shock you, or not. Either way, please comment here and let me know!

What Are You Really Looking For: Lowest Price or Best Value?

I recently received the following anonymous reader comment to my earlier post entitled "How Much Does a Will Cost":

"Bogus. A generic will should cost $x. A will with multiple people inheriting should cost $ x+y. A will with extraordinary circumnstances should cost x+(y to nth power). BALL PARK figures, please. Plug in X (average hours * avg hourly rate). Help us out here...."

I heard the frustration and wanted to respond adequately, which became longer than a mere responsive comment, so here it is:

Dear Anonymous,

Sure, you can go to a lawyer who might price a Will according to the formula you suggested. However, if you do, you likely will only get that Will. If you have any questions or concerns or want to review and discuss drafts to ensure you understand them and they’re accomplishing your wishes and goals, that will likely mean extra hourly fees. And when your life and circumstances (personal and financial) change, you will need to alter that Will, and then that lawyer (or another if you’ve not established any kind of ongoing relationship) will likely charge you similarly by the hour to make any necessary and appropriate changes. More likely, however, you’ll be so turned off by the experience of being billed hourly that way you won’t want to call back and get billed for those changes. I do not charge hourly rates as I believe it discourages communication with my clients and leads to mutual dissatisfaction.

Once you have your Will, that other lawyer won’t likely reach out to you again because he’ll be too busy looking for his next hourly fees, so your Will will become stale and likely fail to accomplish its intended purpose, to protect and provide for those you love most. They will then bear the costs, emotionally, practically, and financially for your choice now to hire a traditional lawyer to do your Will that way. In contrast, I develop lasting relationships and maintain frequent communication with my clients. I also conduct regular reviews of their plans to ensure that they work when their families need them to most. I became a lawyer because I genuinely wanted to help make people’s lives easier and better. My work history as a lawyer bears that out and it remains a guiding principle in my practice.

Perhaps most important to understand is what you pay for when you hire a lawyer. Anyone with a computer and word processor can type up some generic documents and follow a form. What you pay a lawyer for really is her legal advice and counseling based on a combination of her knowledge of the law and its application to your individual circumstances guided by your goals. A lawyer who spends her days keenly focused on a few discrete areas of the law will be better prepared to counsel and advise her clients in depth than one who does a little of everything all the time. As I’ve said before, you wouldn’t go to a podiatrist for a heart bypass or call an electrician to fix your bathtub.

Finally, a very common misperception is that all one needs is “a simple Will.” Yet a will is only one component of any complete estate plan. With only a will you are neglecting many other important pieces of the puzzle. By your own example, someone with "extraordinary circumstances" likely needs more complex estate planning, including one or more trusts in addition to the other critical estate planning documents.

Ultimately you need to ask yourself whether you are most interested in price-shopping for the lowest priced Will or you are looking for the best value for a uniquely-crafted estate plan by a lawyer with whom you can build a lifelong relationship and who will serve as your family’s personal lawyer and trusted confidential advisor. Make sure you’re really comparing apples to apples.

Best wishes,
Danielle

Adventures in Lawyering and Babywearing!

I am silly excited and have to share. I have had the great fortune to be selected as one of seven participants in the Sakura Bloom Babywearing Triathalon! This is a contest wherein I will be able to try out a variety of lovely Sakura Bloom slings to keep my sweet baby girl (who is 4 weeks old today - how did that happen!?!) comfortably close to me as I:

• create estate plans for my clients;
• chase after my 3 and almost 5-year-old girls, taking them to school, ballet and karate classes, playdates and birthday parties;
• participate in networking meetings with other professionals;
• clean my house;
• give seminars for moms' groups regarding wills, trusts, and naming guardians for their children;
• cook;
  
• welcome potential new clients for their Initial Peace of Mind Estate Planning Meetings; and
  
• fold and put away laundry (there is always so much of it to do!).

This is truly the modern art of babywearing, is it not? My best friend of about 18 years will love it - the image we've always shared of me with a baby on one hip and a briefcase on the other (as it was with my second daughter - see the picture below) is giving way to the image of me wearing my baby as I work.


Well, OK, I wore both of my older daughters as well. Here I am wearing my second daughter (and true to form, holding my travel mug with coffee).



In my copious free time (ha!) I am reading The Red Tent and thinking of women's lives as mothers, wives, workers, aunties, etc. centuries ago as it compares to now. It's beautiful that we've not lost that instinctual, reciprocal need that mothers and babies have to stay close as much as possible. Anyway, it should be an exciting 6 weeks! Stay tuned as I share photos, video, and anecdotes from my very own adventures in lawyering and babywearing (oh that movie takes me back!).

Update 10/10/09: My Sakura Bloom Pure Collection sling in "Storm" arrived and after reading the instructions and watching the instructional videos I tried it out with my littlest chiquita yesterday. It is *awesome* (no, I am not getting paid - see above link for contest rules). My 5-week-old (10 lb. 3 oz.) baby nursed and fell sound asleep in the cradle position and I wore her comfortably like that for about 3 hours! Here's the first picture I have to share:
As I type this, she is sleeping soundly in the tummy-to-tummy position against my chest, which is just right for kissing her little head!

Big Announcement Here, See How It Benefits You!

Welcome to the NewYour Personal Family Lawyer TM

It's official, I have been designated by the Family Wealth Planning Institute as a Personal Family Lawyer. This means I have discovered a whole new way to work with my clients to ensure that they make the best possible legal and financial decisions throughout their lifetimes. It also means their families will know just where to turn when my clients are unable to be there themselves. As a Personal Family Lawyer I am committed to making sure that my clients' plans will keep up with all life's changes, big and little, and that their plans work when their families need it. To do so, I will be reviewing all of my past, present, and future clients' plans at least every three years at no extra charge.

There are many other changes that we are putting into place at DGVE law now that I have become a Personal Family Lawyer. A brief summary follows, but if you are an existing client and would like to hear more about it, please come in for a visit. Just call DGVE law at 781-740-0848 and ask to speak with my Client Liaison, Astrid Muhammad, to schedule a phone call. I have reserved a few time slots each week to catch up with my existing, valued clients. If you are not already a client but would like more information about DGVE law, please visit my web site and then call Astrid to schedule a meeting. My appointments are on a first-come, first-served basis.

I am excited and look forward to serving you even better.

Sincerely,
Danielle

Your Lawyer for Life!

Summary of Personal Family Lawyer Benefits for Clients of DGVE law

• No more hourly billing, ever. Everything I do is now billed on a flat fee basis, agreed to in advance, so there are never any surprises about what something will cost you. There is no need to be afraid to call; we won't send you a bill unless you've understood and we've agreed to it in advance.

• Call me first! Call before making important financial or legal decisions for your family, for examples: buying insurance, signing legal papers of any kind, refinancing your house or purchasing a new asset, starting or selling a business, or if you are in an accident. I'll help you make the best decisions and/or connect you with one of my pre-vetted, trusted professionals who can. I have a trusted group of insurance agents, financial advisors, real estate brokers, and attorneys practicing in other fields of law to whom I can refer you. DGVE law Members won't pay for this "legal concierge service."

• No more phone tag. As always, you can email us any time for a fast reply. When you need to call to talk with me, your Personal Family Lawyer, about something strategic or legal in nature, my Client Liaison, Astrid, will help you schedule an appointment when we are both available so I am best prepared to respond to your needs and we can avoid frustrating phone tag. DGVE law Members receive a priority response.

• Regular review of your legal documents. Your legal documents must be maintained so they continue to work the way you intended when you set them up. If you sign up for the DGVE law Membership Program, I will conduct this review and update your documents annually.

• DGVE law Membership Program. We know you want affordable access to your own trusted lawyer. You want someone to whom you can turn for legal document reviews, lawyer's letters, and all around great guidance. Now you can have a personal "legal concierge" relationship with your own Personal Family Lawyer without worrying about it breaking the bank.

• Priceless Conversations. You want to leave a legacy, but what does that really mean and how do you do it? Have a Priceless Conversation with me and in 30-45 minutes you'll know. Your family will thank you. It's a gift that truly is priceless.